i was cleaning up files on my server and ran across these:
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
3. Do I look like a friggin’ people person?
4. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8. I’ve found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
9. You! Off my planet!
10. Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
11. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
12. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
13. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
14. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
15. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
16. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
17. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
18. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
19. And just how may I louse you up today?
20. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
21. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
22. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
23. Allow me to introduce myselves.
24. Better living through denial.
25. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
26. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
27. Adult child of alien invaders.
28. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
29. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
30. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door
32. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
33. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
34. Don’t worry. I forgot your name too!
35. Adults are just kids who owe money.
36. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
37. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
38. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
39. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
40. Hi. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
41. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.
42. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
43. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
44. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
45. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
46. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
47. Is it time for your medication or mine?
48. Does this condom make me look fat?
49. Meandering to a different drummer.
50. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.